Do You Gaslight Yourself?

If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. And also notice yourself. I'm Jana Henman and that's what today's topic is all about. We'll be discussing the art of gaslighting yourself and how to trust yourself when someone is showing you their true colors. Here's the thing. How you do one thing is how you do most things. I used to believe that people made mistakes and that bad days were isolated. I could compartmentalize the sketchy behavior and say, "Well, the person's good over here, and this is the bad part of them over here, but that doesn't define who and how they are." And you know what that did? It got me stuck, confused, and even unsafe. We've all heard that Maya Angelou quote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." But do we all actually do it? For example, are you constantly running late for your meetings? Is your calendar a complete cluster? Do you overpromise and underdel on your projects? None of us are perfect, myself included. And paying attention to our own behaviors help us discern the behaviors of others. And me, I am the queen of gaslighting myself. What do I mean by this? I'll see the signs. I'll feel the gut punch. And then I think to myself, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe they didn't mean it like that. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of all of this. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe they're having an off day. Psychologists describe this this gaslighting yourself thing as when you start doubting your own perceptions or minimizing your own experience because you want to keep the peace or because it's uncomfortable. According to Dr. Stephanie Starkis, a therapist and expert in gaslighting and manipulation. Self- gaslighting often comes from a history of being around people who denied your reality. In other words, you learn to do it to yourself so no one else has to. For example, I grew up in a household where I was always wrong. My father would do something upsetting. I'd express that I was upset and I was wrong for it. I remember once he forgot to pick me up from a birthday party at a local skate rink and the skate rink closed and he left me there for a couple of hours. I must have only been 12 and this was before I had a cell phone so I couldn't just call or text him. When he did eventually come to pick me up, I was crying. I was upset and I said, "Daddy, did you forget me? Did you forget me?" And he looked right at me and it was my fault. It was, "You're being too emotional. You must be going through puberty. You need to calm down." This continued on for the rest of my relationship with him. If he did something that I didn't agree with or that I found upsetting, it must be because I'm a woman and I'm, you know, women are over emotional, that sort of thing. So, I kind of grew up being invalidated for a lot of my emotions. And guess what happened when I turned into an adult? I did the same thing to myself. Well, maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe I'm over emotional. Maybe my hormones are off. Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this. In other words, I became really good at secondguessing myself. And let me tell you a story that I wish I did not have to tell. A few years ago, I was working with this gentleman uh in a business development kind of capacity. And he started saying things to me that I didn't feel good about. He'd say things like, "Oh, you look really sexy today." And at first I was like, "Well, that's an odd thing to say in a professional relationship, but it's a it's fine. It's fine." Like, he probably didn't even realize that he said it. But it started happening more and more. So, I finally put my foot down, or so I thought, and I said, "You can't talk to me like this. We are professionals working together." Mind you, he knew that I was in a relationship, and he was also married. And the comments were just making my skin crawl. Every time he did it, I would tell myself, "Maybe he's just awkward. I'm reading into it too much. He probably doesn't mean anything by it." And when I told him to stop, I felt really good about myself, like, "Okay, yeah, I'm put this is a boundary. I'm putting my foot down." But it didn't stop. In fact, it escalated. There was one afternoon he took his wife out to lunch and he drank a little too much. And I was supposed to meet up with him afterwards and go over some quotes that we had. And when we met up, it was very clear that he was drunk. But that's when the grabbing started. That's when the real inappropriate comments started. He even tried to sniff me, which was really weird. I had had enough. So, I got up and I went outside and he pushed me up against the wall and told me, you know, our first time, I imagine us doing it doggy style. And I was mortified. So, I pushed him off me, got in my car, and drove off. And I got home and I just froze. Every alarm had been going off in my body for weeks, but I had silenced them. I kept secondguessing myself. And that's what self gaslighting is. It teaches you not to trust yourself, to prioritize harmony over truth, and to protect someone else's comfort over your own better judgment. But the thing that made me the angriest about this whole situation was me. He showed me who he was earlier on in our professional relationship and I ignored everything. After that incident, I decided I was going to have really clear boundaries and not to ever put myself in a situation like that again. And I did. I became way more vocal and angry anytime someone treated me badly. And what I got told for it was, "You know what your problem is? You got a giant stick up your ass. You might want to remove it." And I just kind of look at them and say, "No, I like it. It gives me a tingly feeling. And I think I'm going to keep it there for a while. People pushing boundaries or people trying to bend your boundaries. It It's not just in a sexual capacity. It could show up in your inbox with an email that says, "Ooh, your prices are a bit too high. Can I start off with a free trial period before I commit?" Or it could show up as a clearly defined job scope and then someone always wanting an extra favor here and there from you. The thing is this, they're showing you how they are. It's your job to believe them. They're showing you how they're going to treat you, how much value they put to your work, how much value they put to your time. And I've learned this the hard way. How someone shows up in the beginning is how they're going to show up in the middle and also in the end. And this applies to business partners, to clients, to family relationships, to your spouse, to friends, in regards with everyone. How you do one thing is how you do most things. If I let my boundaries slide just this once in my business, chances are I do it in other areas of my life as well. If someone's a little flaky on little stuff, chances are they're unreliable when it comes to the big stuff. And that's the other thing. We love to make exceptions of people. Oh man, she's really bad at following up with that person, but man, she's really good in these other areas. He doesn't respond to emails, but he's a really good guy once you get him on the phone. or even, and this is my favorite, they've been dealing with a lot lately. And sure, maybe they have been dealing with a lot, but if the pattern persists, it's not the circumstance, it's the character. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that people don't grow or change. Personally, I believe in growth and I believe in second chances. But growth is rare without accountability. Coming back to the story about that gentleman that I worked with, he had taken no accountability whatsoever. The next day he called me. He's like, "Hey, why aren't you coming into the office?" And I said, "Uh, no, not after last night." And he played dumb. He said, 'What do you mean? What happened? And when I told him everything, he said he didn't remember any of it because that's how drunk he was. Anywh who, I obviously left that business partnership the next day and I blocked him on all social media accounts and phone and email. I don't have space or time for people like that anymore. And if that means I have a giant stick up my ass, then so be it. So, what do you do? How can you start noticing yours and other people's behaviors? Start paying attention to your patterns. If you notice any red flags, to the ways people show up when they think it doesn't matter. Start listening to your body when something feels off. And most importantly, stop negotiating with the truth. I've given this example in a past video. Uh me and my girlfriend, we went and took a boxing class together and we were, you know, hitting the punching bag and we had to hold and and keep hitting uh as hard as we could for like 2 minutes. And it was funny. I was getting tired and my arms were hurting and the instructor walked by and I noticed that I was giving it my best when he walked by and the minute that he passed me, I let my guard down a little bit. I wasn't punching as hard as I was previously punching and I caught myself. Hey Janna, how you do one things? How you do most things? So the minute that I realized that I was only giving it my best when someone was watching, I picked right back up and started punching hard again. It's little things like that. Notice, be aware of it. Be aware if you're gaslighting, be aware of your own behaviors. And instead of beating yourself up about it, just shift gradually. I'm Jana Henman. Thank you so much for tuning in. Remember to like, follow, and subscribe to all of our social channels and scan the code at the end of this video to sign up for our newsletter. and I will see you this time next week. [Music]